Why dowry will not die
Given the lack of any news about dowry deaths, dowry violence or dowry demands, one would have thought that the problem had disappeared. Far from it. In fact, it has become far more entrenched and taken new forms. Dowry is a symptom of a deeper disease that relates to how our society values women, writes Kalpana Sharma.
Maharashtra’s Home Minister, Mr. R.R. Patil, has decided to have a go at the “dowry menace”. One can only wish him luck. This well-intentioned gentleman, better known for his ban on dance bars in Mumbai, is convinced that the problem can be solved if committees are appointed to guarantee the implementation of the numerous laws relating to dowry, the giving and taking of which is illegal.
Mr. Patil is consulting various women’s groups, individuals and the police in the State to see how his plan can be implemented. As with all good politicians, the first thing he has done is to set up a three-tier Dowry Prohibition Committee headed by him. If committees and laws could have solved social problems, India would have become a paradise on earth long ago.
But cynicism about the efficacy of such committees apart, it is good that someone has drawn attention to dowry once again. It had slipped into the background. Given the lack of any news about dowry deaths, dowry violence or dowry demands — barring the occasional story of a brave girl who refused to give in — one would have thought that the problem had disappeared.
Taking new forms
We know for a fact that it has not. Far from it. In fact, it has become far more entrenched and taken new forms. The trouble with Mr. Patil’s plan is that he is still working on the premise that all dowry giving and taking is done through the more obvious forms of “gifts” — jewellery, clothes, furniture, white goods, vehicles and homes. So, he proposes that alongside the compulsory registration of marriages, all gifts given to the bride should also be registered at the local police station. He believes that local committees headed by women sarpanches or women heading self-help groups in villages will act as “watchdogs” and ensure that the police is alert and does register such gifts.
Customs like dowry can end only when young men and women decide to go against the tide.
• A murderous arithmetic • Legislation destined to fail Even if this works in some rural areas, the majority of dowry-related cases occur in middle class areas of our big and small cities. Even in the late 1970s, when the first instances of women being tortured and killed for dowry came to light, the problem was located in the middle class in north India. The economy then was far more restricted, bank finance for consumables was not available and the only way you could own something was if you had the ready money to pay for it. For families with boys, the best route to obtaining such capital goods was to demand a large dowry.
Since then, a great deal has changed in India. With the growth in the consumer economy, easy finance allows even salaried individuals to own things their parents could never have dreamed of possessing. At the same time, dowry demands have not diminished. The phenomenon has spread far beyond north India and has infected practically all communities.
What has changed from the 1970s is the kind of demands being made on the bride’s parents. Apart from “gifts” that are nothing short of extortion, the demands now involve the kind of wedding that will take place. Has anyone noticed how similar weddings are becoming all over India? There is a kind of pan-Indian wedding that is emerging that is dominated by the north Indian Punjabi style of celebration. Thus sangeet and mehndi are now a must at every wedding. Ostentation is in, regardless of what you can afford. You don’t have to be a Mittal or a Chatwal to imagine that you are a prince or princess for that one day. Wedding organisers have everything ready from faux palaces to exotic locations. And ostensibly sensible young people are agreeing to these tamashas in the belief that there is nothing wrong with “living it up” for that one day.
Weddings ought to be fun, especially for the couple getting married. But at what cost? Who pays the bills for these grand weddings? Inevitably, it is the girl’s family, who are duty bound to maintain appearances and beg or borrow to pay for the festivities. The gifts come on top of all this expense.
Laws don’t really help
And none of this ensures that the girl is loved or safe in the marital home. In fact, if one traced the districts where dowry demands are strongest, one would probably note a low female child sex ratio. For wherever a girl is seen as a burden because of dowry, female children are being prevented from being born. If all these years of campaigning against dowry, or enacting laws that prohibit it, had made a difference in people’s attitudes towards girls, we would not have seen the drastic decline in the female child sex ratio in the more prosperous districts of the country.
Dowry is a symptom of a deeper disease that relates to how our society values women. The original concept of streedhan was based on providing a newly wed girl with some things that she could cherish and call her own. Today this concept has been vulgarised to symbolise all the things that not even the bridegroom, but his family want to have as their own.
Customs like dowry can end only when the people involved, the young men and women, decide to go against the tide, demand simpler weddings and say a firm “no” to the vulgar demands that constitute a dowry. Marriages may not be made in heaven, but they should not end up sending people into the hellhole of lifelong debt and misery.
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Cite this article
Kalpana Sharma (2006) ‘Why dowry will not die’, India Together, 19 March 2006. https://indiatogether.org/marriage-op-ed/
12 reader responses
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meenakshi srinivasan · 25 March 2006
I am all with you there Kalpana ji. I was amazed to see these ostentacious expenses in supposedly staid Chennai! While many of us in the middle class just about manage to pay for the wedding hall and good food (they run into a couple of lakhs minimum-modest wedding!), these new forms of "mendi" parties, "sangeet" add up with decorations, dresses, fees factored in. However, I would like to add that my inlaws requested for a simple affair and kept their guest list to a minimum to make it easy on my parents. Likewise, when my brother got married we did the same. We actually got it celebrated in a hall that is part of a temple so that it wouldnt cost much. Such marriages also take place when there is education on both sides and common values of what is best for all is considered. these marriages are true "alliances" - a coming together of 2 families to strengthen the connectedness of community. Sometimes the negative press about dowry sidelines the quiet majority who truly wish well for the new couple and "give" of their all. When I asked my father why he invited more than a 1000 people to my wedding, he said - I am so happy and I wish to share my joy with everyone! If possible I would invite the entire population of my city! That kind of love and 'giving' that is not a "burden" and not "dictated" by others, but what comes from within, needs to be validated.
vaijayanti · 29 March 2006
As Kalpana Sharma's article points out - dowry is one problem which can not be solved by improved financial conditions of a family or by mere academic degrees. A colleague at work, with a masters degree in chemistry and a high salary job in a biotech company revealed that she is willing to pay a minimum of 18-20 lakhs to find a groom. This, according to her, is a fine arrangement as she will not get her share of the property. Unfortunately many women are willing to play by - " if my father can afford it - why not ?". Dowry is never a substitute for inheritence. Also, why do women agree to live what is illegal, and forfeit what is legally due- especially with the revamp of our inheritance rights? Last year, there were several legislative changes that were brought in towards inheritance laws. However, these is a substantial lack of initiative from the government to publicize these through massive awareness campaigns. Coming back to my colleagues stories, what was even more depressing is that at 26, and even prior to her marriage, she is worried about bearing daughters! These coversations drew the attention of another male colleague, a computer engineer. Turns out that he procured 27 kanjeevaram sarees from his wife, during his wedding last year. He distributed these amongst friends, family and colleagues! In addition, he also goes around showing off a diamond studded ring.
babita · 15 April 2006
My parents are natives of kerala. In kerala itself the dowry trend is predominantly followed by all religions i.e. Hindu, Muslim, and Christian. But in kannoor ditrict there is no such custom of dowry giving or taking. Though the people in these district are not rich or extremely poor they have never indulged in dowry. The girl is given gold by her parents but this one cannot judge as dowry because it's the only possession of a girl that her parents give her when she is wedded.
Preethi · 23 April 2006
I feel that girls and their families should say no to any groom or his family who ask for dowry. but after that, it's the girl's family's choice whether they want to give gifts to their daughter and how much they want to give. and wedding expenses should be shared!
Kiran · 15 May 2006
I've always felt that expensive weddings are a big part of the burden on the girl's family. Sharing wedding expenses equally should be made a big part of any of our campaigns or discussions with friends and family on this issue. When that becomes a norm, this problem would be addressed at least partly. If by mutual consent or social pressure, the two families still end up spending a lot of money, at least it takes the inequality and forced spending out of the picture - conspicuous consumption as an ill is another problem altogether.
Dr.G.P.Agarwal · 26 May 2006
Madam, Don't you think dowry is a part in the property of the father for the girl. In India, though legally daughters are entitled for a share in the property of the parents, in practice generally this does not happen. In a way if dowry persists as a share of the daughter in parental property, is there any harm in it. Please be frank. Dr.G.P.Agarwal
Raj · 12 June 2006
It has become common for grooms in US (or overseas), with an IT job (or other high paying job) to increase his rate in marriage (a/k/a dowry). A permanent job, Green Card, own house, all adds more to the burden of bride's family. The groom and his family seem to consider this as their right and don't seem to feel even a tad bit guilty about it! They are not totally to be blamed, I'd say. It's the same old supply and demand issue. People back home overrate these, often clouding their better judgement. Brides' families also think, it's now or never! The result: their daughters end up in a bad marriage. Some manage to sail along, some sink. Either way it's a bitter experience that's not worth it. I could only wish people back home realize this and assign importance where it's due. Wake up people!
DM · 28 September 2006
Sorry, Dr Agarwal, I cannot agree with your views. No father should be so ashamed of his daughter as to offer money for her to be married away and what really is the worth of a "man!" who allows himself to be "bought" in this way? Things may change if educated and thinking people start saying "NO" to this uncivilised practice. As for dividing the property amongst the children equally, what argument pray is offered for not giving an equal share to daughters, as a general rule, something already recognised by Indian law? Can Indian society continue to treat half its population as inferior beings and the parents allowed to perpetuate the immoral discrimination against one half of their children? Again things may change if educated and thinking people search their conscience and assert their ethical values. Sorry, two wrongs never make a right! We must not be afraid to say "NO", simply because something had always been done one way. (Doctors know only too well the importance of this principle.)
Shobhan Bantwal · 29 September 2006
I agree with Kalpana Sharma: no amount of legislation will help unless young men and women thumb their noses at a tradition that spells nothing but greed and moral decay. Also, there is no reason why middle-class parents whose daughters are well-educated and well-employed should stoop to buying a son-in-law. To that end, love marriages and even elopmements are probably a blessing.
Alka · 10 November 2006
I am proud of women like you who manage to speak out and fight against such menace of our society. Grand weddings are a waste of money in these hard modern times. Honestly, look around and we see what all this material greed is leading to. We aren´t far away from broken family ties just like in the west. I guess it takes a lot of mental maturing to grasp what really matters in life. Young women and men should say no to senseless social pressures. After all, women are the driving force of India even if it does not seem so on the surface. Keep up the good work. You are the best.
rahul banerjee · 27 November 2006
I am a faculty of Amity and dealing with Legal Literacy. I have interacted with many women on Haryana, especially of rural backgrounds, and you are absolutely right, in the countryside, it is now not too much. Especially with anganwadi workers who are so conscious and trying to prevent it. The problem they are facing is to convince people to make a list of all gifts by both sides. But your suggestion for educated brides and grooms, not to spend too much money on weddings is possible through awareness programs for college students.
Anonymous · 30 January 2015
Dear Madam/Sir, I am an Engineer currently working in a private firm. I do agree with most of the people that we should organize awareness camps in schools & colleges that Grand weddings are a waste of money in these hard modern times. We should also encourage people to not to buy a son in law. I want support from you people to organize suxh camps. please tell me who can join me in that. If anyone is interested please write an email to me at nitisha169@gmail.com